Really Surprised!

It's entirely possible that sending the audience out feeling lousy was intentional

A lot of perfectly good film show their cards early, establish a unique premise and let the audience explore a topic at a leisurely pace, without much in terms of surprise. this film is not one of those films.

By the time the dramatic fireworks start popping off, each one feels earned.

Possibly the cheapest, cheesiest, worst post-apocalypse movie EVER made – and that includes the whole slew of Italian imitations and even the work of Cirio H. Santiago – this bizarre, rare, weird, collectable offering from the Philippines is a sight to behold. It's a penniless production with about two sets to offer and no plot to speak of. It's poorly dubbed, atrociously acted and with some of the worst non-special effects you're ever likely to see. Everything that is bad about Filipino cinema is present here, in this film, a real turn-off and an atrocity of a movie.Yet despite all this, it's oddly watchable. Whether it's the cheap and cheerful rubber costumes that the villains wear, the prolonged bouts of sweaty tonsil-hockey that our hero and heroine engage in (in what passes in the Philippines for "sexy") or the surprising homosexual kiss two thirds of the way through, you've never seen or will see a movie quite like CLASH OF THE WARLRODS. The heroes are all of the typically bland Filipino leading man type – sweaty, moustachioed, toned and with bad hair. But the bad guy is fantastic, a guy with a half-face mask made of metal like that guy in MORTAL KOMBAT and a fine line in overacting, especially the inexplicably "howling at the moon" interlude which features insane dubbing, frothing foam, oatmeal makeup and much more besides.Yet don't be fooled: for the most part, this is a deeply below-par movie, with lots of static and non-activity. Yet the last minutes of the movie contain a fair wealth of pleasant surprises as the film-makers decided to save what little budget they had for the epic climax. It involves fiery explosions, sparklers on sticks and tons of cheesy gun battles with our heroes mowing down hundreds of enemy troops. Then, to top things off, there's the cheapest light-saber battle in the history of movie-making which is simply fantastic to watch, and, I suspect, makes the pain of the film's first hour worthwhile. So yes, it is an extremely poor effort, but those last twenty minutes help ease the pain somewhat.

Ayah! Released by 23rd Century, the company that managed to bring the British public all manner of strange films for a pound, have given us Clash of the Warlords, a film that goes above and beyond dubbing, effects and general coherence to become one hugely enjoyable crap film.This post-apocalyptic flick doesn't even need titles. We get a shot of an explosion, then the name of the film, then nothing but a still of the explosion for over two minutes while deranged disco music plays in the background. Does anyone really need to know things like who the best boy was anyway? No. Let's get to the story.Rex, our brain-damaged hero, is fighting to the death in an arena run by half-metal faced Mouslin (I think)...this guy has the serious evils for Rex, and wants to see him die in the arena because Rex's father killed his father in an arena. This all gets explained at the end but another guy interjects about how Mouslin killed his father and the whole scene was plunged into confusion.Anyways a girl says she'll help Rex escape if only he'll have sex with her, to which Rex reluctantly agrees with all the passion of a toenail clipping. After getting the girl and his son killed, Rex manages to escape with another girl and head off to another part of the island, the utopia kind of bit. Just like Mouslin's bit, the director makes up for the lack of locations by having millions of extras running around, tending horses, and doing backflips. It gets a bit distracting.The chick who escaped with Rex's dad lives in this place, and of course he's a scientist working on something or other (weapons mostly, but I wouldn't discount a youth serum either as he looks the same age as his daughter)...from here on out nothing much happens until the huge battle at the end, but there's plenty of Mouslin madness to fill the void...First up is the scene where he's walking with a fella through all his troops, and you can tell that the director wanted one of them scenes where all the troops have their weapons in an arc position and pull them back as Mouslin walks through. Well, the whole scene is ramshackle as hell and one guy even forgets what he's supposed to be doing, and just as he remembers someone else forgets. It's all good stuff, but not as good as the old 'what's under the mask scene'.Y'see when the full moon appears Mouslin thinks he's a werewolf and has himself tied to a post where all his men laugh at him and call him mental as he drools and screams, probably at the crazy make-up job on his melted face.Also there's the bit where a Gladiator salesman does a deal with him. This guy is probably one of the worst actors in the history of mankind. It takes him about five minutes to speak his lines, all delivered with purple face gurning that had me rolling around screaming with laughter. He even manages to move after he's killed later on.The big pay-off here is the battle at the end. The Utopian folk attack Mouslin's camp and killed roughly 10,000 soldiers in an orgy of explosion, knife-guns (?), rockets and good old machine guns. Rex gets out a light saber (!) and fights Mouslin for about two minutes, who then explodes (you didn't see Darth Vader do that).I'd love to tell you what happens at the very end (as the likelihood of anyone seeing this is almost infinitely minute) but I couldn't tell you, as the last conversation Rex has before the movie freeze frames is mute! This film doesn't need titles or parting words, although his missus (whom he leaves) tells him he is 'Crazy....crazy like a mad warrior'.Never boring for a second of it's 70 minute running time and in certain scenes filmed competently, Clash of the Warlord is Grade-A brain damage. The ineptness of the original film (check out the soundtrack at the end! It jumps so much it's like a John Oswald composition), the superbly bad dubbing, and the chewed-up-and-spat-out 23rd Century transfer makes this one essential, if you can find it in a pound shop.

Ah, a film that opens with the title card and then a 2-minute freeze frame of an explosion. My kind of movie! Rex (Willie Williams) is forced to fight against friends to the death in the "arena" (a small dirt patch surrounded by logs) to amuse scarface baddie Malzon. Rex escapes from the camp with his son but they are soon found and his son is killed before Rex is saved by Rhea. She takes him to Ophelos, a camp with fertile land and gun powder. Of course, Rex still wants to get back at Malzon because not only did he kill Rex's wife and son, but, as the final confrontation reveals, he killed Rex's dad too. Clocking it at a whopping 73 minutes, this is MAD MAX: BEYOND THUNDERDOME Philippines style! None of it makes much sense, like the lead villain going all crazy when the full moon is out (the production actually shows a non- full moon). It is pretty budget starved with the barren countryside representing the post-apocalypse world. The last ten minutes houses most of the action with some big explosions and a lightsaber duel from out of nowhere. The dubbing is great though.