Too much of everything

Pretty Good

I wanted to but couldn't!

The film makes a home in your brain and the only cure is to see it again.

Did you know every Dynastic Hollywood family has a JV squad of alternate relatives? Your Coppollas, your Baldwins, pretty much all the Arquettes? They are kept hermetically sealed in case the alpha celebrity ever needs an organ transplant. Occasionally they are allowed to exercise and are even humored to workshop their acting, provided no one shall ever see it. It was thusly that Nicholas Turturro was permitted to appear in "Super Cyclone".Nick Turturro plays an engineer, we know this because the script says so. Also he is dressed in a jacket and tie with jeans, in the costuming choice of a high schooler who doesn't own an actual suit but still wants to play a grown up in a play. He is named "Travis", which is almost as believable as an Asian woman named "Joanna Sparks" Ming Na plays "Dr. Joanna Sparks" who works for N.O.A.A. an agency she never identifies but pronounces as "No-Ha" which really sounds like a trendy L. A. Sushi/fusion restaurant. This has nothing to do with her ethnicity, it just sounds like a restaurant, and it must be pretty popular because everyone gives her access. As to why someone from a trendy restaurant has a PhD, it would be weirder if she didn't.Dr. Percy Cavanaugh rounds out this Brain trust triad as an exposition sounding board and disaster fodder. He seems like a Devry testimonial that is destined to end badly. They land via digital chopper on what we're told is an oil rig and in no way is the facility plant of a community college.Somehow a geologic event is set off by 2 workers tightening or loosening a valve in the lowest level of a parking garage. These two workers pay for their mistake in the cleanest death by burns scene in medical history.Exposition comes from a disembodied female voice we can only assume is either a news reporter or the Mic is picking up an actress in the next sound booth recounting the plot to an Asylum movie she turned down.The led singer of "Sugar Ray" has taken a hiatus from music to work on an oil rig and spend more time with his hair. He tries to conceal his voice behind a terrible impersonation of the Sergeant from "Full Metal Jacket" but everyone knows. He claims to be a safety officer in charge of 100-105 men, 97 of whom we never see. I suspect the others are trapped in a diversity training so mandatory, they may not leave to fight a full scale rig fire. The 8-10 who remain bare a remarkable resemblance to the Steelworker Dancers in Billy Joel's "Allentown" video.Anyway, this "storm" seems to be occurring on what Seattle would call "The Sunniest Day of The Year" with a rain that has a terrifying defiance of physical properties; it can specifically soak a car but none of the surrounding land or roads, it remains solidly in foreground, and it is flammable when frozen. That's right, "flaming hail" You know it's a crisis because BOTH members of the US Marine Corp are frantically pacing the High School from "The Breakfast Club", which BTW is still as deserted as it was 28 years ago.Our team of scientists move to land and make a colossal discovery; an actual black person in Topanga Canyon. This man is also the only African-American Tea Party/Survivalist, making him a .00003% anomaly. Before the team can document their find, they easily disarm the subject and take his truck, illustrating perhaps why this demographic is nearly extinct.Their low impact Runyon Canyon hike turns serious when Dr. Cavanaugh decides that rather than walk over a log, he will dramatically recreate Michelangelo's "Creation of Adam" with him as Adam and Joanna sparks as God or vice versa or... anyway he meets his "Red Shirt Destiny" by being inexplicably sucked into a sinkhole that targets him very, very specifically. As in, it is massive but spares people 11 inches away. Whatever he did to that sinkhole, it was pretty angry. A wall of water kills the only two characters I had any sympathy for; two guys in a camouflage truck who are either a golf club lawn crew or the entirety of the US Army.So then... You know what? I am out.

One watches productions from the Asylum with certain expectations of cheesiness, poor effects and illogical plots, but one has to say that even with lowered expectations this flick was a definite let-down.It always annoys me when films are released that are so much worse than they would need to be. Apparently, this movie had as mission to employ as many untalented wannabes as possible. I have rarely seen a story get the physics so spectacularly wrong. Over half the cast does not contribute in any way to the plot, but then neither does the super cyclone in the title.The special effects in this film are constantly frustrated by the sunny and calm Californian weather. In all outside sequences the sky is persistently blue, foliage barely moves and water has no bigger ripples than you would expect in a backyard pool (while according to the characters a violent super storm is raging).Truly, it is not an exaggeration to state that even I could do better with the budget given.

The writing was amateurish. That's assuming it was written ahead of time and not pieced together on the fly. The special effects were less than "special". In fact they were worst than a high school play (Why in such a bad storm is the sun always shining?). Casting was an embarrassment. The actors should be ashamed of themselves, especially Ming Na who is capable of much, much more. As for Nicholas Turturro...how they casted this part was a complete mystery. The Global Asylum is known for low budget films. This must have been one of the lowest. This movie is so bad, as to appear planned. And that's where I have to disagree with "ipiercexpo", but only on one point. This movie somehow also failed to be as bad as "Plan 9 From Outer Space".

By 10 and brilliant I mean as a comedy. I stumbled upon this gem and I have to say I cried hysterically throughout the entire film. It was non-stop laughs from start to finish. The worst writing, acting, visual effects and music I have seen in my entire life. Totally ridiculous plot with twists that will make your head spin. The rain and fire effects and the complete disregard for continuity are unreal. They must have known how funny it would be to make it this bad. Nobody makes a movie this bad by accident. The car scenes are great; a bunch of actors at rock bottom bouncing around in a car that isn't moving pretending to be in the middle of a super storm when it's clearly like 80 and sunny outside. Absolutely priceless. The end scene where a bunch of idiots jump like 4 feet into a pool that's supposed to be a boiling ocean was a highlight for me. They just flail around in the water yelling while the magma heated ocean cooks them, fantastic. Should have won a Golden Globe for best comedy. A brilliant mockuscifithriller. I highly recommend this film. Bring your tissue box though, you will cry tears of sheer joy and amusement.