Touches You

So much average

best movie i've ever seen.

By the time the dramatic fireworks start popping off, each one feels earned.

I found this movie when searching for Jess Conrad after watching him in The Boys (1961). He resembled a young Tom Cruise. So finding him in this God awful movie was a hand of fate. Do not waste your time, there is nothing, nothing redeeming or worth watching in this disaster. The acting is laughable, story line ridiculous, and I feel terrible for watching even 15 minutes. I skipped through most of it just to see Jess Conrad as an older man. That's it. Don't do it, I'm warning you.

England is overrun by pedophiles and only a vigilante mob can handle the situation. Ava (Yvette Rowland), sensational TV journalist becomes a witness of her daughter's rape and murder and has no legal recourse.The film started out as a decent crime grind-house and falls off a cliff when Yvette Rowland comes into the picture. Horribly scripted.Guide: F-word, sex, male nudity.

I don't know about you but watching paedophiles cry cheers me up no end . The greatest feel good show in the history of television was and remains TO CATCH A PREDATOR. If you thought that show was a little bit too tame for its own good then there's plenty paedophile stings you can watch on youtube where a bunch of concerned parents go under cover on the internet pretending to be young teens and turn up to meet an online groomer to give them serious verbals before the police turn up to arrest the groomer. Seeing the synopsis to MOB HANDED I thought I'd be watching a fictional slightly more extreme form of this where violent vigilantes extend their concern to execution. This isn't how the story unravels Starting with a disclaimer that the views and opinions expressed don't necessarily reflect the views of the film company the first scene features a man masturbating over computer images. A gang rush in to an office , kidnap and execute him. It's very convenient that this film starts at this moment and you're not supposed to ask how in reality the gang knew to crash the office at this point. After all films have their own sense of reality but within a very short period of time you come to the realisation MOB HANDED has an air of reality (I use that word in its most ironic sense)never seen before in the history of cinema. There's a paedophile Illuminati and a Tory MP is kicking out against the establishment using a death squad to liquidate these nonces . If a Tory MP was using death squads to liquidate the unemployed I'd have no problem thinking it was a fly on the wall documentary but this is no documentary. I could go in to details involving plot turns but unless you've seen this deranged, insane straight to DVD rubbish you wouldn't believe me. I can only guess at the motives of the producers1) It's an extension of Chris Morris satire "Nonce-Sense" 2)It's done as a favour to budding film makers in that they can give MOB HANDED to producers and say " If this film got funding then any screenplay can get funding, so fund my movie guv" I might have given this film one out of ten but gets an extra point for being unforgettably awful BTW if you're making a movie involving concerned law abiding citizens taking the law in their own hands don't cast real life gangsters and a convicted murderer in your movie

I was recommended this film by a friend, who had seen it and spread the word because in his words "you need to see how horrendous this is." Its like a lucky dip of absolute mess. The lead actress Yvette Rowland appeared in another rotten film of the same ilk called "Killer Bitch", which featured British porn stars who acted her off the screen, she was so bad. Amazingly she's even worse here.There's an episode of Only Fools and Horses where Rodney Trotter is making a student film, and Del Boy is getting money off a bunch of people around the city to star in it. I can only assume this is how the casting process went here. There are people from every kind of Z-list TV area in this thing. Half the cast of the Bill shows up, I imagine because Celebrity Big Brother wasn't interested that month. Former child actors who haven't worked in years and haven't seen down the lens of a camera since they were caught stealing from Poundstretcher. Dave Courtney pops up in a tank. What?! Daniella Westbrook and Dirty Den arrive to bring the star power. Either Leslie Grantham hasn't got any work coming in anymore or he's on a mission to do something so embarrassing on camera that people forget about him sucking his finger on a webcam.Basically the plot is that there is a pedo on the loose, who killed the daughter of the lead actress and now she's out for revenge. Only she portrays all the emotion of someone who isn't pleased that someone left the iron on. There's a lot of cockney accents saying "fakin' slag." The actors in this make Danny Dyer look like Laurence Olivier doing Hamlet. Its the pits. I was jealous of some of the torture scenes in this, because all I could say to the TV was "you don't know how good you've got it mate." The funniest thing about it is that the lead actress is listed as "producer" as well. If the whole film was meant to build up to that punchline then this film maybe knock off This Is Spinal Tap as the funniest movie ever. What a brilliant build. Either than or she's dating the bloke who is funding it (which seems way more likely), because there is no other way she'd be hired by anyone else to act.You should watch it. It may be the worst film ever.