Too much of everything

How sad is this?

Did you people see the same film I saw?

One of the worst ways to make a cult movie is to set out to make a cult movie.

An asteroid (aka: a flaming marshmallow) hits the moon (aka: a flashlight)! Pieces thereof shower the Earth, where Paul Carlson digs in the desert. That night, while watching the ensuing meteor display, Paul is hit in the head by something. He also finds a glowing, pulsating rock fragment. So, he does the smart thing and grabs it barehanded, to take home! This gives Paul a chance to introduce his new girlfriend, Kathy (Leigh Drake) to his lizard. Kathy is shocked by the gesture. Paul begins to suffer odd headaches, especially during a concert where a nondescript, hippie combo warbles, "California Laaaaaadyyyyyy" on and on, eternally, so it can eat its way into our souls like acid! Paul's headaches turn into somnambulistic events, scaring his lizard to no end! Paul transforms into... ?? A night of murderous marauding takes place! Still, anything's better than the aforementioned song! Police are baffled, calling in Paul's friend, Johnny Longbow. Longbow is a cooker of chili and teller of Navajo stories. He's also an anthropologist, worried about his lizard-owning friend. Kathy's worried too. Dear lord! Paul's lizard has escaped! Kathy is agog. Is Paul's lizard up to no good? Hmmm. Johnny Longbow is puzzled and deeply concerned. Kathy wears awesome shorts outfits! Is Paul going bananas from being lizard-less? More bloody deaths occur. TRACK OF THE MOON BEAST is prime, 1970's super-cheddar! It features Kathy's immortal utterance, "Moon rock?! Oh, wow!". There's also the hideous transformation sequence, where Paul turns into a toothy raisin! Johnny Longbow looks on, flummoxed, but unbeaten...

Truly terrible movie. It's about this hunky guy named Paul (Chase Cordell) who meets this blonde chick named Kathy (Leigh Drake). They're out in the open one night when a meteor shower hits. Paul gets a small piece of the meteor in his head but doesn't notice. However that night when the moon is full he turns into a giant lizard like creature that kills people.Lousy movie. The story is ridiculous and throws in some Indian legends to the mess. The two leads are certainly attractive people. Cordell is in good shape and has frequent shirtless scenes. Drake has nice legs which are shown often. This is done to hide the fact that neither one can act! They show zero chemistry or emotion. He tries but fails. She doesn't even make an attempt. There were gore scenes in this but they were edited out because it was released direct to TV. The monster makeup is somewhat effective but barely used in the finished movie. Dull, dreary with a lousy script and atrocious acting. Skip it.

I don't think this film deserves the low score it has, there are many things out there that are far worse. Perhaps I just had very low expectations going in, but still I do not consider Track of the Moon Beast to be a truly bad film.For starters, it has a plot (at all) that, though a bit simplistic drives the movie forward, all be it at a rather slow pace. There is a hint of background story and attempts are made at subtlety and foreshadowing. There are characters that are not completely despicable, and they have relationships with each other, that actually matter, they are flat as cardboard however. The acting is sub par, but not entirely horrible, likewise, special effects are bad, but still OK considering the budget. The movie chiefly suffers from being slow with a lack of action scenes, and rather dull. And I do realize that the positives I've listed are mainly a lack of negatives, I guess I spent too much time watching bad films but from my point of view, this is not horrendous. It is in fact, overwhelmingly meh.

I gather this film gained prominence through mockery on Mystery Science Theatre 3000. Understandable I guess, laughter is a quite reasonable defence against the coldness of the universe, its scorn for our trouble. Paul is a lonely man, we see him first biking to a ridge for mineralogical study, he finds some kind of relic and is assailed by howls and a ceremonial mask. A disturbance in the force we might think, man drawn inexorably to some ill fate but it turns out to be a prank. The tension lifts but respite is temporary, as he makes his moves upon a lovely new friend a cosmic cock-block strikes down to deny even brief pleasure. See, a meteorite has recently collided with the moon, unleashing a swarm of fragments, one of which becomes lodged in his brain. And hence he is doomed to become the titular moon beast, and even make tracks. Well one. What makes this film really work is the way nothing is urgent before it gets too late. No one gets too bothered about Paul's injury, so it takes a while before he goes to a hospital. There are improbable murders, but people just go with the flow at the even more improbable explanations. An folk rock tune appears (California Lady) and even though the plot starts moving again before the end of the song they keep playing it over the drama. Its a cracking song and I like that they kept it in. Paul's new gal is devoted to him even though they only just met. Photographer, blonde, only a couple of expressions and even that may be an exaggeration. They're nice expressions though and she's quite a sweetheart, I felt for her. Paul is something of a tragic character, I felt for him too. He doesn't have much presence on screen, but that didn't detract. Aren't we all pretty fleeting on the screen of life after all?Then there's Johnny Longbow, American Indian professor and all round cool customer, with a great soup recipe. He's awesome, and if there were any justice he would be the star of a chintzy TV series about his ongoing exploits. People keep cool and its all soothing and strange, but then the downers kick in. The horror set pieces are too short to impress so its difficult to get a bead on where the film is going for most of the way, but then it all becomes clear. To the vastness of space people are an irrelevance, the lonely even more, mere specks of dust for arbitrary games. And as things built to an end I became rather sad. Afterwards I tried to laugh but somehow it ain't coming. The sky is no comfort to the lonely ladies and gentlemen, so throw down your telescopes. B minus film, but worth a watch.