Too much of everything

what a terribly boring film. I'm sorry but this is absolutely not deserving of best picture and will be forgotten quickly. Entertaining and engaging cinema? No. Nothing performances with flat faces and mistaking silence for subtlety.

This movie feels like it was made purely to piss off people who want good shows

Through painfully honest and emotional moments, the movie becomes irresistibly relatable

The Vineyard sees fan favourite James Hong return as one of his most loved characters Lo Pan (Big Trouble In Little China) of sorts, in his self directed horror comedy which has a number of Hong Kong stars on board as a vehicle to help kick start their career (which seems to have worked).Reminding me of the classics like Mr. Vampire, Haunted Cop Shop, and We're Going To Eat You; this great wee flick oozes that same appeal as those horror comedy HK classics of the 80's which also features an early role from Michael Wong (Beast Cops, First Option, Royal Warriors) which is comical in itself!Massive Hong Kong producer and director Gordon Chan (2000 AD, The Four Trilogy, Painted Skin) co-produces the feature for Hong, as he creeps out the visitors of his vineyard island, posing as a film producer with a great location.The plot is crazy, yet that's what gives it the same charm of the 80's HK films I love. Zombies, gore, comedy, crazy SFX all come together in this unseen, underrated little gem that entertains without you having to think too hard!

There's something about James Hong's manner of speaking that is very entertaining to listen to.Basically this movie has 'some' zombies in it which makes it not a bad zombie flick but its not about the zombies its about some recipe that allows you to live for ever and the nasty things that need to be done to achieve that.The movies acting is serious B grade stuff with an extremely meh plot. Its really one of the better B grade zombie movies out there, I've seen plenty and plenty of trash is what you get. I strongly suggest some viewing enhancers if you intend to watch this movie thru, maybe some bourbon or vodka should do the trick.

James Hong writes, directs, and stars in this appalling film about a mad doctor/wine grower/movie producer living on an island and having young, physically attractive men and women come to his island so he can either kill them or hang them up by handcuffs in his winery. Naturally, one, Karen Witter, a hot little blonde, is there to be his hypnotized bride. Whew! Hong prays to some Chinese god which has given him some ability to live forever. What the bodies of the visitors have to do with the wine is never explained. Nor is why zombies rise on the island. Nor is virtually anything of noteworthy status. The script just plain sucks! The special effects are bad as we see Hong get old(a rubbery mask perhaps), or some super-imposed green eyes are given to him, or scenes showing physical changes are just edited and pieced together rather than shot in one take or cleverly edited for the purpose of continuity. The acting is awful. Hong is a decent actor but not with this crap. The rest are just pretty faces with seemingly little behind those faces and bodies. Clichéd characters abound...some trying to be funny. Nothing is very original about the way things are done in terms of the horror aspects of the film. A bad movie no matter how you try to spin it. Although of Chinese subject matter, The Vineyard left me quite full. I certainly wasn't in the mood for anymore in an hour. Perhaps a 100 years from now. No way!

This contains minor SPOILERS, so don't read it if you plan to see this.I read an article in the TV Guide a few years ago where the magazine had talked to actor James Hong. In the tiny article (it filled about an 8th of the page), Hong mentioned that he didn't feel Hollywood offered him very good roles, but instead he typically got similar, stereotypical Japanese roles. When I read it, I nodded my head and said, `Yeah, he's right.' Now I really like James Hong, and I wish his career the best of luck, but if Hollywood stereotypes will keep movies like `The Vineyard' from being made, then I hope Hong is typecast forever. In 1989, Hong made this weird horror movie. Hong came up with the story himself, was a screenplay writer, and donned the director's hat! And what do you get in the first scene?---Hong having a sex scene! Maybe Hong just felt that Hollywood typecasts for old Japanese men don't include naked women, and he wanted to make a statement about that?Hong is a wine maker that lives on an island with his henchmen. Hong is centuries-old, using an amulet to stay young and needing the blood of young women every once in awhile. So he lures people to his island and kills them. This time, he gets a whole group of youngsters at his home for a really lame party. He uses magic to either kill or capture them, and decides he wants to marry one of the women. It's up to bookworm Jeremy to save the day. But he sure doesn't save the film.But wait! That isn't much of a horror movie! Well, that's because I haven't yet mentioned all the stuff in it that made absolutely no sense. Where to start, where to start? We can break out in song along the way…1. My Lucky Star: Let's see…we've got pink hearts, orange stars, yellow moons, green clovers, blue diamonds, purple horseshoes…what are we missing in 'me Lucky Charms? Of course! Brown amulets! Hong has an interesting flashback about when he was a child. We learn that he killed his father to save his mother, but refuses to give her the magic amulet. Then we find out that his mother is a GODDESS! You heard me right. I guess that is trying to explain the origins of the amulet, but it only rouses up more questions that are never answered. It would have been better if the amulet had no origin. But hold on, that would ruin #2…2. Witchy Woman: See, Hong's goddess mother is still alive and kicking. The amulet made her young (much younger than it makes Hong) and without it she turned into a withered old woman. Hong keeps her locked up in a room in his mansion. It is not clear why he does that, since the two never have a scene together. But come on! Are we really to believe Hong keeps his mother with him as he moves from identity to identity each century? He hasn't been suckling for all these years, has he?3. It's Raining Men: Who are all these bodyguards protecting the estate? They must be working for money, but would any price be high enough to live on the desolate island where you were expected to kill people?4. Let's Dance: Next we turn to our saplings. Not trees, but the saps that come to the island. They are brought by some old guy with a bad accent who is quickly disposed of by the guards. Why did they come? Some of them are wannabe actors and actresses that have some kind of audition. None of them are very interesting. Still, the scene where they are introduced is sort of funny (one of the would-be actors only has a high school diploma to brag about), and I thought Hong's direction would be good. I would soon be let down. They have a party that night, and it is a really sour one with bad direction. Then there is Jeremy. He wrote a magazine article on Hong. Jeremy figures out what is going on quickly, based on some shoddy evidence he finds in books Hong has lying around. When Jeremy starts babbling about this, you would think Hong would kill him, but he constantly stops himself. 5. That Old Magic Feeling: To kill or detain the victims, Hong sends his guards, uses magic, or both. What he does strongly resembles voodoo. Where did he learn this? How does it work? Why does he use it on some people and not others? Why doesn't he use it in the end to snub the remaining people that are causing trouble?6. Now I'm Feeling Zombified: Now the real bad stuff. The women are taken to the dungeon to have blood extracted so Hong can stay young. He uses up so many people a day that you wonder how he can stay in one place for more than a week before people get suspicious. But why women's blood? The men are all killed and buried in the vineyard. The movie box says they fertilize the vineyard! They way they are buried made me think it would be like `Motel Hell.' But no, these bodies constantly rise from their graves, and the only way they can be stopped is if the guards douse them with `holy dirt.' I thought `Holy...' when I saw this part, but the word `dirt' did not follow it. The zombie make up isn't bad, but the whole thing made me fear I had accidentally rented `The Video Dead Part 2.'7. They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-ha!: When the last two bafflingly bad scenes were over, that is the line I was saying to myself repeatedly, because no one sane could possibly sit through the entire movie. I did, so expect my next review to come from the local asylum. Zantara's score: 2 out of 10.