Simply A Masterpiece

Save your money for something good and enjoyable

Instead, you get a movie that's enjoyable enough, but leaves you feeling like it could have been much, much more.

A movie that not only functions as a solid scarefest but a razor-sharp satire.

When I criticized parody of A.E.Poe I really had no idea they actually decided to insult other historic figures. I would never ever believe they would actually do that. But they did that. They seriously did that in the most stupid manner I have ever seen. I really really want you not to waste 60 minutes of your life on this trash so to sum up: The first president was a cannibal. There is a plot of elderly role playing people who try to cover this fact while eating some other people. There is stupid family which accidentally discovers this fact in a hidden letter. This family decides for reasons unknown to stay in the house where they can be attacked by this cover-up group. The father fortunately knows some professor of history who is stupid enough to travel to that particular house to warn the residents so he may be in danger as well. Fortunately he knows some FBI agents who decide to suppress the truth using some handy Heckler&Koch machine guns. In the end the Washington is deleted from banknotes and he is replaced by G.W.Bush.Who invented such crappy, bizarre and would-be "political" plot? Michael Moore? I just cannot believe this crap has been aired whereas way better "Imprint" has been canceled. There is a ton of great horror stories so I really do not understand why they took such pity story and filmed it in a very bad way. It is probably the worst part of the entire series.

"History is the lie that everyone agrees upon." - GoetheNot to go all "Joe College" on you all (especially since I never went), but the preceding quote is, in a nutshell, the plot line of THE WASHINGTONIANS, adapted from a Bentley Little short story by Richard Chizmar and star Jonathan Schaech, and directed by THE CHANGELING'S very own Peter Medak. Schaech plays Mike Franks, a guy who has just inherited a house from a dead relative, and is in the process of moving in with his family. The house is located near the place where George Washington and our Founding Fathers hammered out the terms and hashed out the ideas and ideals that basically became what is now our government (though what would they make of it if they could see it now?)When his daughter accidentally knocks over a portrait of Old George in the spooky-looking cellar of the house, Mike makes a jaw-dropping discovery: tucked into a corner of the frame behind the canvas, he finds a strange-looking fork and a roll of parchment. When he reads it, he can't believe what's inside - sage advice for skinning and eating YOUR CHILDREN, and using the bones to fashion tools and eating utensils! At first he figures it's some kind of sick joke, but that's only until some very scary-looking dudes in Colonial dress come banging at the front door in the dead of night, demanding the letter...or else!It's soon after that encounter that Mike converses with a renowned historian (Saul Rubinek), who not only verifies the authenticity of the found artifacts, but begins to tell him the REAL story of the "father of our country"...and man, it ain't pretty! It seems that during that long winter at Valley Forge, when the cold ran high and the supplies ran low, our dear General Washington was starring in his own version of RAVENOUS. And once he developed a taste for human flesh...well, it got to be like Lay's Potato Chips. BETCHA CAN'T EAT JUST ONE!!!And now the modern-day descendants of our cannibalistic Congress, who call themselves "The Washingtonians", have continued that tradition. Can Mike stop them or expose them to the world for what they really are, before he and his family become 'a la carte' entrées?I really appreciated the ideas behind this story, and love the fact that it's told as a pitch-black horror comedy. The only two beefs I have with it are that RAVENOUS told the story better, and whatever brownie points the writers and director Medak score are completely canceled out by a beyond-corny punchline at the end. At least it does make you wonder about it...We know all about the version of American history we learned in school. But do we really know EVERYTHING that happened? Or is it just a 'revised' version of the truth?I wish I could give it a stronger recommendation, but once again, I'm on the fence. It's not an MOH "WOW!" episode, but it's entertaining enough that you might not want to throw shoes at your TV set when it's over.

Masters of Horror: The Washingtonians starts as Mike (co-writer Jonathon Schaech) & Pam Franks (Venus Terzo) along with their 10 year old daughter Amy (Julia Tortolano) drive to the house left to Frank by his recently deceased Grandmother, once there they start to explore their new home. Amy decides to look in the basement & discovers a large painting of George Washington the founder of the United States, upon closer inspection Mike finds a letter & a fork made of bone behind a tear in the canvas. The letter talks of Washington engaging in cannibalistic activities, Mike realises that if the letter turns out to be genuine then it could rewrite American history but so do a group of loons called Washingtonians who will do anything to get the letter back...This Canadian American co-production was episode 12 from season 2 of the generally hit-and-miss Masters of Horror TV series, directed by Peter Medak I actually thought The Washingtonians was a definite hit & I rather liked this darkly comic story despite it's largely negative reviews. The tongue-in-cheek script by Richard Chizmar & star Jonathon Schaech was based on a short story of the same name by Bentley Little & has a cool twisted central premise, the thought of George Washington being a cannibal & there being people who call themselves Washingtonians who still carry on the tradition is an interesting & perverse idea that I thought made for a very watchable & entertaining 60 odd minutes. However it's far from perfect, the tight time scale means it feels a bit rushed no more so than the frustrating ending because the episode was going really well as far as I was concerned & then all of a sudden everything just seemed to end abruptly without a satisfactory conclusion which is the only real criticism I have with The Washingtonians & I deify anyone to say The Washingtonians is a worse Masters of Horror episode than The Screwfly Solution with a straight face.Director Medak is yet another strange choice to direct a so-called Masters of Horror episode, apart from The Changeling (1981), a Tales from the Crypt episode called The New Arrival (1992) & Species II (1998) he hasn't exactly been prolific within the horror genre has he? He does fine here, there's not many scares but at least he keeps things moving & there's a nice atmosphere to this one especially the cool juxtaposition at the end when amidst all the splendour & opulence of The Washingtonians posh surroundings they indulge in very vulgar acts of cannibalism. As usual there's some top gore, there's a decapitation at the start & the expected various cannibal scenes including someone eating chunks of flesh from a severed foot, a huge tray with a chopped up body on it, there's intestine eating & plenty of blood splashed around.Techncially these Masters of Horror episodes are very well made & don't look like the cheap made-for-TV show's that they are in reality. The special effects are excellent as always & it has high production values. The acting was alright but the 10 year girl annoyed like a lot of child actors do.The Washingtonians seems to have a bad reputation which frankly I couldn't give a toss about because I liked it & that's all that matters to me & it's as simple & straight forward as that, I reckon it's well worth an hour of your life.

After the death of his aunt, a young man moves into her former home. In the basement he discovers a secret letter and a fork made of bone. Oh my! President Washington ate small children and made flatware from their femur bones! And now a secret society (the Washingtonians) will stop at nothing to retrieve this dangerous letter.The director of this unusual tale is Peter Medak (known for "Species 2" and "The Changeling") based on a story by up-and-coming horror writer Bentley Little (who has been known as a Stephen King apprentice and a follower of Dean Koontz, neither title I'd wish to be known for). While the story is clearly a good one, the film based upon it is not what I was hoping for.I like cannibals in movies ("Ravenous", "Cannibal! the Musical") and I like them more when they are George Washington or some other colonial bloke. And yes, there is some flesh-eating in this film (though not as much as I expected). And that's good. And the plot was good. And the acting was good... so where's the problem? Here's the problem: the people who adapted this for the screen (and I rest the blame firmly on Medak's shoulders) did not decide if they wanted a horror film or a comedy. Now, you can balance the two. Henenlotter and Gordon do this very well. Medak obviously can't. The film is mostly horror, but every so often we get a glimpse that this is supposed to be "dark comedy"... yet it's not funny. It just comes across as cheesy. The very last scene (which you know I can't reveal) is the solid proof that Medak doesn't know humor or how to use it. Not funny, not clever.And that's my biggest concern, because somebody else would have made it straight horror (Argento, for example, would have upped the cannibalism) or a better blend (Gordon, Henenlotter -- who, by the way, needs his own "Masters of Horror" episode). This could have been the key episode of the season (as many previews made it out to be).A tip of the hat goes to the writer for one thing, though: the introduction of a character who is not clearly on one side or the other (is he with or against the cannibals?). I kept second-guessing, whereas most of the time plots and motives are so predictable. So if they did one thing right, it was the writing of this character (it's a history professor, in case you were curious). I also liked the undercurrent theme that the government makes its own history, because this is so true. I just wish they didn't use such an annoying radio announcer to express that theme.I have my bones to pick with this episode, but I still want you to see it. An idea this creative and well-thought out deserves to be seen, even if the people who optioned it clearly don't know their anuses from a hole in the ground. Someday someone will remake this after we've long forgotten Peter Medak and the world will be right again.