Save your money for something good and enjoyable

As Good As It Gets

Exactly the movie you think it is, but not the movie you want it to be.

The film never slows down or bores, plunging from one harrowing sequence to the next.

New Amsterdam, 1686: evil witch Eva (LeeAnne Baker) interrupts the marriage of Dawn (Jacquie Fitz) and William (Michael Conte), psychically summoning the virgin bride to a Satanic altar to be sacrificed in a ritual that would grant Eva eternal life. Dawn's throat is cut, but before the ceremony can be completed, Eva is killed by priest Henry (William K. Reed).300 years later, and Eva, reincarnated as a peroxide-blonde punk biker chick with bad make-up, proceeds to suck the life energy from unfortunate New Yorkers to feed to her mouldy zombie acolytes (via her three sets of ectoplasm-oozing tits!); once fully revived, these manky minions seek out the reincarnation of Dawn, so that the witch can finish what she has started. Can Italian cop Billy and do-gooder Rev. James, the 20th century reincarnations of William and Henry, prevent her from succeeding?Six breasts are better than two, as the old saying goes, but even with its triple-chested, zombie-suckling witch bitch, Necropolis proves to be a frustratingly dull slice of 80s schlock horror, with a dreadful script and uninspired direction from Bruce Hickey, and dire performances all round. There are, of course, a few giggles to be had from the sheer ineptitude of proceedings—Baker's embarrassingly bad impromptu interpretive dance routines are good for a laugh, as is the bloody decapitation of a zombie that continues to scream long after his noggin has gone—but when you're not sniggering, you'll probably be yawning.3.5 out of 10, generously rounded up to four for IMDb.

When Empire Pictures folded back in the late 1980's Company founder Charles Band has often cited that the reason for his beloved company's demise was the many acquisitions that his company made.One such pick up was this cheap and cheesy supernatural horror movie written and directed by Bruce Hickey, who as far as I can gather has never been tempted back to have another stab within the horror genre, of course for any of you out there who have actually sat through this movie, perhaps one bite of the cherry for Mr Hickey was more than enough for anyone to stomach.However if you look beyond Bruce Hickey's initial involvement, the main point of interest for me was the man who produced the movie, that man of course being the legend that is Tim Kincaid, who was taking a career break from making gay porn to lend his name to this a few other choice Empire releases, remember such gems as Mutant Hunt & my own personal guilty pleasure Breeders.The main star of this movie was LeeAnne Baker, who by all accounts was a personal favourite of Kincaid's as she turned up in nearly all of his low budget legitimate movies, whilst not overly endowed both in body and acting talent she did have that something special about her, and luckily given the lead role as Eva, the reincarnated witch, she goes about stealing virginity's all over the place.A major highlight of the movie is when Baker's character suddenly develops multiple boobs and her minions of the night start to suckle upon her lady lumps, a seriously demented delight indeed.The storyline doesn't hold much water, the sheer goofiness of it all makes it all quite endearing and the major attraction is of course LeeAnne wearing all her Lipstick, Powder & Paint, parading around the Goth chic you shouldn't cross for fear of your losing your mortal soul and virginity.Charles Band's Empire may have vanished, but these pick up flicks that he chose to release straight to video are what made my teenage viewing all the more memorable.A boobtastic 7/10

Yes, we know it's a bad movie. It's a film called Necropolis that doesn't focus on a graveyard!However, how many films have a six-breasted witch wet-nursing zombies with ectoplasm? This mid-range b-movie clunker's good for providing a mild chuckle or two, particularly for the "satanic" interpretive dance numbers.This is nowhere near as painful as TROLL 2 or MANOS, not that that should be a recommendation. Once upon a time, people - read teenagers - used to rent low-grade horror for the t&a and softcore sex.As cheese it's quite piquant, but I wouldn't call it the stinkiest of cheese, we're talking mediocre awful at best. For film masochists like myself, it's just barely a diversion that you'll probably forget most of after the second beer.

A 300 year old motorcycle riding punk witch looks for a virgin sacrifice in order to keep her youth.Tries for style but falls flat on its face with some of the most inept writing, direction, and acting ever. This movie is one painful experience to set through. And the ending leaves an open door for a sequel, but think goodness one hasn't been made!! My rating: 1 out of 10.Rated R for Strong Violence, Nudity, Language, Mild Sexual Content, Adult Themes, and a woman with more then two breasts. 77 minutes. It seems more like 2 hours though.