Yawn. Poorly Filmed Snooze Fest.

If you don't like this, we can't be friends.

hyped garbage

It's simply great fun, a winsome film and an occasionally over-the-top luxury fantasy that never flags.

I greatly enjoyed TEEN-AGE JAIL BAIT, and the following review is a first stab. At the time of viewing and writing the IMDb credits were garbled, but thankfully have been since updated.John Alderman as Joey and Chesley No one as Gus play a motley pair of buddies who come to the aid of heroines Rene Bond (as Sue) and Kris Kross (as Amanda), whose Cadillac has broken down. They attempt to rape both girls, but Noon turns out to be another '70s candidate (prematurely -he looks to be in his 20s) for Viagra which hasn't been invented yet.Bond, who already has her breast implants, is the good girl, while Kross is a hiss-able bitch who quickly convinces Alderman to come home with her and rob her daddy's safe, always filled with something like $100,000 in cash he takes in as part of a money laundering operation.Noon goes along with the plan, more afraid of having his sexual inadequacy exposed than being arrested by John Law.In a low-low-low-rent version of THE DESPERATE HOURS, they take hostage daddy (Christopher Jefferies, presumably the guy called Christopher Geoffries in the database), the step-mom Valerie (voluptuous Marsha Jordan) and prissy, virginal sister Linda (tattooed favorite Sandy Dempsey).All manner of double-crossing and triple-crossing ensues, which I won't spoil for the patient fan who can locate this extremely obscure movie. Violence is stressed and the sex scenes, as one would expect in a John Alderman movie, are strictly soft-core.The all-star cast delivers solid performances and the script remains interesting till the nihilistic, bitter end. Garage music, which Johnny Legend would dig, fills the soundtrack, and perhaps the only drawback is that the bondage footage of Dempsey in captivity is way too tame, both from a violence p-o-v and devoid of the expected sex scene, to satisfy the fans. I had originally confused this film with another Stu Segall movie (also written and produced by Harold Lime) made that year and also starring Kris Kross in the title role: PENELOPE'S EDUCATION, recently reissued by Alpha Blue Archives. It co-stars Sandy Carey and also features Chesley No one and needs to be added back to IMDb (not as alternate title for TEEN- AGE) in its own right.As it is, TEEN-AGE JAIL BAIT has no character named Penelope -the targeted personage would be Dempsey but she's named Linda. So the question of what exactly is this film and what playoff it received -it would have made a quality drive-in programmer - remains unanswered. The writer-producer Edward Everett had a checkered career - I just watched his minimal nudie pic from '64 EVERYBODY LOVES IT, and there is speculation that he later resurfaced as porn maven Harold Lime, but this remains poorly researched.Even with all those question marks hanging, TEEN-AGE JAIL BAIT is a winner.