Fresh and Exciting

This is one of the best movies I’ve seen in a very long time. You have to go and see this on the big screen.

This is a small, humorous movie in some ways, but it has a huge heart. What a nice experience.

It's the kind of movie you'll want to see a second time with someone who hasn't seen it yet, to remember what it was like to watch it for the first time.

Clue #1 that you are, most likely, headed down regrettable waters comes in the opening credits when we see the director credited as Alan Smithee. For those unaware, this is a long-standing entertainment pseudonym used when a director is so embarrassed of the final product that they wish for their name to be erased. By the end of the 80 minute run time of this movie you will understand, with no uncertainty, just exactly why the director would have done this.I always feel the need to preface a review with some background on myself. I love horror. I've seen more horror movies than you have heard of and that includes plenty of indie work, so I'm not biased against horror with a low budget and that has nothing to do with my negative opinions of this movie. We have, essentially, two concurrent story lines running here. On one hand are our "villains", two brothers played by the dream casting of Bill Moseley and Kane Hodder. Their father was a former military medic who couldn't remove himself from the war. He used an ambulance to intercept emergency callers and inflict torture upon them, all while bringing his impressionable boys with him. Through a never ending series of flashbacks, we see that this torture extended to their home life, as well, where the father abused both the boys and their mother, all leading up to their inevitable taking over of the family ambulance business.Of course, any slasher needs a final girl and this one features the most boring, unimaginative one that you will see. Her best friend has abandoned her to hang with the beautiful people, but a tragic accident leads to her death. Of course, even though this girl has completely abandoned our heroine, she must give the eulogy anyways to some bizarre mixture of funeral/ school assembly. Somehow, this all leads to an obsession with getting breast implants, stealing the neighborhood mean girl's boyfriend and an all too predictable plot line where she loses the "real her" in her quest to become one of the cool kids. Naturally, these two stories line meet up in the end.There are so many problems with this that I just don't even know where to begin. There isn't a single good actor in this entire production and, sadly, that includes Moseley and Hodder (two guys that I have met and like personally, which makes me more sad to say it). Moseley basically plays out a character that's just a slight shade away from his most famous roles, Choptop and Otis Firefly. You can hear both of those roles emerging in his lines as he plays the exact same sort of psycho. Hodder is given really nothing to do except skulk around and look menacing. The teenagers are bland and not far above high school play level talent. The only other person you've heard of in this one is Miley Cyrus' talentless older sister, who is killed in the first ten minutes.It doesn't help that the writing is pathetic, either. The dialog, especially, is so bad that the viewer will find themselves laughing at the movie at times. It's one thing to see actors in a low budget production, who may not be top level talent, but they are doing their best with quality script. Here, the writing is even worse than the acting. I found myself wondering, at times, if they even had a script, or just made some things up to say as they went along.The movie spends FAR too much time on the teenage drama, which is just boring and insipid. It's just so cliché and overly done as a plot line that there is no interest for the viewer at all. It spends an inordinate amount of time obsessing about a breast implant surgery for our heroine, then the day finally comes and she's totally blasé about it. Naturally, after getting her hair done and new breasts, she suddenly forgets all about her school work, changes her world-view overnight and becomes another cliché character.She is interwoven into the villains story line through several all too convenient plot threads that lead to everything combining in the end. It's not enough to have her best friend killed on the road that these psychos patrol with their torture wagon, but we get flashbacks to reveal that her circle of friends may have had something to do with the death of the villains' beloved mother and they just happen to have seen it happen, remembered the faces and have been waiting for this revenge. As if that all wasn't a convenient enough plot device, our heroine's mother becomes friends with Moseley's psycho after his mother is killed. This mother apparently dates every man in town, who come into the two girls' lives every time it's convenient for the plot, including Moseley taking mom out on a date in our finale, even though he shows up at the home looking like a beat up, psychotic, homeless man that no woman in her right mind would leave the house with, let alone a single mother. The one saving grace of all of this is some nice gory flourishes in the killings and torture, which will satisfy a gorehound. I appreciate the use of practical effects and real blood, rather than slick CGI. There are a few scenes that really grabbed my attention with the red stuff splattering around. These few scenes, though, are just not enough to redeem this movie in any way.It's a shame to waste two talents like Moseley and Hodder in a movie as bad as this, but I just cannot recommend this to anyone.

After a string of disappearances around town, a group of friends find that the events are committed by a pair of psychotic brothers posing as paramedics intercepting emergency calls to kidnap and torture victims and forcing them to stop their rampage.This here was decent enough and had some good parts. What really works nicely here is the fact that there's some rather fun times to be had here from the way this one goes about delivering the torturing and tormenting that the two guys dole out, providing a great amount of bloodshed. The opening attacks on the different travelers, from the father's assault on the girl to their present- day ambush on the other couple and finally appearing to the high- school kids manages to really get quite enjoyable with the different dismembering and torturing done on the victims while getting this one set-up quite nicely Several other rather fun stalking scenes are found throughout here, from the stalking of the couple in the car out in the woods or the rather creepy attack on the lone victim in the impound lot, though the fun really comes from the finale where there's plenty of highly enjoyable stalking and chasing done throughout here, from the confrontation in the woods where they get abducted into the ambulance and the great stalking through the darkened impound lot, the brawling with the family in the shack and finally the big finish which gets some nice action and gore involved as well. These here are the film's best parts. Still, beyond these issues there's quite a few problems to be found here. There's not a whole lot that's of any real interest here for the majority of the film, really dragging the pace out in the first half. The storyline about the teens getting ready for the party aware of the different accidents afflicting their classmates and the utterly banal social hierarchy involving everyone there which manages to include the cliché story about their secret back-story and the mean girl structure that involves everyone out trying to outwit each other in order to better themselves, and none of this is all that clever, original or enjoyable in the slightest. It just makes the film quite bland and boring while also highlighting the other flaw in that the brothers don't really have a whole lot to do here. By forcing all that into the film, they tend to take a backseat and show up for a few brief scenes which are quite enjoyable somewhat but don't really generate the kind of interest they really should seeing these hulking behemoths on-screen which is somewhat frustrating. Their back-story isn't all that enjoyable anyway and really tends to come off as so cliché and expected it's all going to be guessed without much difficulty and really brings down it's effectiveness. Likewise, the other small flaw here is the finale which features the turn for no reason here other than giving the heroine a chance to escape out of the situation as it makes no sense why that would occur or the motive behind it. Otherwise, this one wasn't that bad.Rated R: Graphic Violence, Graphic Language, Nudity and strong themes of child abuse.

What's a good way for a director like Alan Smithee to get people to watch his horror film? Releasing it right before Halloween is one way - and casting Kane Hodder and Bill Moseley as serial killing brothers, is another. I've never met Kane Hodder, but I'm willing to bet he's probably the nicest guy on the planet, because for some reason directors want to work with him. This is a guy who is best known for walking around with a hockey mask, with absolutely no dialogue. The reason for that is quite simple - he's the most wooden actor I've ever seen. He has no screen presence/charisma, no sense of timing when it comes to line delivery. He just snarls and bullies his way through every single role, without a care in the world. He does a pretty mean chicken dance, though.'Old 37' is dull slasher film about two serial killers (Hodder/Moseley) posing as paramedics (Uh, I think it's about a boob job, too.) If you think this is a pure horror film, you're wrong. It's more teen drama than horror. It takes entirely way too long to get to the killings/torture. The character development is something you'd see from 'I Still, Still, Still Know What You Did Last Summer.' There's absolutely no reason to add any type of character development to this film, because the characters are dull, bland rip-offs of previous 'teen' slashers. You will be pleased to know, or at least you should be, that Brandi Cyrus doesn't manage to last 20 minutes into the film. If you're like me, you probably feared she'd somehow land the main role as the helpless victim. You won't be pleased to know, that if she hadn't been killed off, she would have ended up being the best actor/actress in the film - and that's not meant as a compliment.Random Ramblings of a Madman: 'Old 37' is mind numbingly awful, filled with bland characters, awful acting, and the worst drivers ever put on film.

Just caught an early screening of Old 37 at the "Scares that Care" weekend. I don't know what this Phil Armitage guy has shoved up his balloon knot, but I don't think his mommy let him get any boob time. The movie was great. Lots of blood. Lots of violence and a great story. Everything you could ask for in a slasher. It was great to see Kane Hodder and Bill Moseley together mutilating people. Great horror flick. This movie was tons of fun. Highly recommended for any true horror fans. Get this movie to kick off your Halloween movie season. You won't be disappointed, I wasn't and neither was the packed room Pre-screening. Kept my attention the whole time, the writing was refreshing and the killings were visceral. Everyone gave a standing ovation at the conclusion. Old 37 is the best independent horror film I've seen this year.