Pretty Good

Powerful

Fantastic!

The film's masterful storytelling did its job. The message was clear. No need to overdo.

Never Too Young to Die is one of the most eighties films you will ever see. The film stars John Stamos who joins forces with his father's partner Vanity after daddy is killed trying to prevent a hermaphrodite, played by Gene Simmons, from poisoning the towns water supply.The Good: Vanity and Gene Simmons. Vanity is simply ethereal in this film. There doesn't seem to be a shot where she isn't effortlessly beautiful. She also shows decent action and acting chops. She is not Meryl Streep mind you but compared to say Denise Richards in The World Is Not Enough she is a cut above as the action heroes girlfriend.Gene Simmons is the other gem. Channeling both Tim Curry's Dr. Frank-N-Furter and The Joker. He takes what could have easily been an offensive and problematic bad guy and makes him/her so over the top offensive and problematic it becomes a delightful tour de force.The Bad: Well the rest of the movie. George Lazenby (That guy who keeps Timothy Dalton from being the world's worst Bond) is kinda just there and while John Stamos isn't awful by any means he can hardly hold his own against Vanity and Gene Simmons. (Yeah let that thought roll around in your head a minute.)Gene Simmon's minions look like they wandered off the Death Wish 3 set or perhaps a post-apocalyptic Full Moon Feature. They are entertaining enough but so out of place in the universe as is the army chasing them. Gil Bettman's direction is a simple point and shoot affair with some strange choices. He shoots a sex scene that clearly calls for an Emmanuel style soft focus linger in the same fast cut back and forth he shoots the action scenes.Overall: This is not a good movie. This, however, is an incredible eighties film. Vanity and Simmons simply elevate the already insane base material to a new level. It may not be defensible but it is sure entertaining.

Only in the 1980s could we get something this gloriously deranged and utterly idiotic. It's flashy, and it's dumb, and it's obviously proud to be so. It's essentially a "junior James Bond" as John "Uncle Jesse" Stamos plays Lance Stargrove, a college athlete whose dad Drew (one time Bond George Lazenby) is a spy. Dad isn't THAT great at his job, though, managing to get killed by the movies' villain. And what a doozy this villain is. He/she is Velvet Von Ragner (rock star Gene Simmons), a hermaphroditic megalomaniac with a legion of followers who look like refugees from a "Mad Max" knock-off. Lance determines to get some revenge, hooking up with our leading lady, Danja Deering (supremely sexy Vanity), just one of dads' "associates".This one is pretty bad, all right, but that doesn't mean it ain't entertaining. The action scenes are decent enough, the stunts and camera work especially effective. The costumes on the henchmen are absolutely hilarious. The upbeat pop soundtrack consists of some pretty rancid cheese, yet unfortunately it will stick in your head, especially the title theme song. Director Gil Bettman ("Crystal Heart", "Night Vision") works from a terminally silly script credited to Steven Paul (of "Slapstick (Of Another Kind)" infamy) and Anthony Foutz, that is wise to include some very alluring scenes with Vanity, as well as the kind of gadgetry we often come to expect in an espionage thriller.Stamos is okay as the hero, no more; he lacks a strong screen presence. Vanity definitely fares better. Supporting roles and bits are played by the likes of John Anderson ("Psycho" '60), Ed Brock (in his one and only movie role), Peter Kwong ("Big Trouble in Little China"), Robert "Freddy Krueger" Englund (wasted in a nothing part), Tara Buckman ("Silent Night, Deadly Night", "The Cannonball Run"), Patrick Wright ("Track of the Moon Beast"), and Branscombe Richmond ("Hard to Kill"). But this thing really belongs to Simmons, who clearly realized he was doing a p.o.s. movie, and gives it some flair by camping it up something fierce as the bad guy / gal.Recommended mainly to completists who'll gladly lap up the craziest things that the 80s had to offer.Five out of 10.

Are ya feeling like breaking out? Looking for danger Feeling adventurous Then you must Put your trust Not in a strangerPlayin' your own game Do it your own way Keepin' your own sound That you found Goin' down Playin' like you playWho knows what you'll find You might like it, or not But all that you find, boy Is all that you got(Stargrove!) Flying like you've never flown (Stargrove!) Runnin' through a danger zone (Stargrove!) Are you gonna stand alone? Stargrove! Stargrove!You feel like takin' The world on your shoulders You're just a Robin Hood Makin' good Where you could You're one of the soldiersFaster than lightning Nothing can strike you You got the good stuff Tough enough Stayin' rough There's no one like youWho knows what you'll find You might like it, or not But all that you find, boy Is all that you got(Stargrove!) Flying like you've never flown (Stargrove!) Runnin' through a danger zone (Stargrove!) Are you gonna stand alone? Stargrove! Stargrove!This should have been released as a single. It should have been #1 on Billboard's charts for months! Absolute perfection.And Gene L. Simmons should have won the Oscar for best performance in '86. Absolute genius.I haven't seen this movie in over ten years but it still sticks in my mind. Gene sticking his middle finger on Vanity's chest and maniacally shouting out, "STARGROVE!!!!" The gay dance sequences. The unrequieted love of poor Cliff for his mondo studdly friend and hero, Lance. Gene's performance of "It takes a man like me to be a woman like me" (some of the lyrics of which were so good, incidentally, that Gene recycled and used in the song 'Spit' on the album 'Revenge') This whole movie rocks. I can't believe it is out of print, and I can't believe it isn't available in digital format yet. You can't go wrong with this movie.

Many films fall into that 'so-bad-they're-good' category. The guys at Troma have even made it a revered art form. But Troma has yet to match "Never Too Young to Die." Without realising it, the filmmakers have achieved the ultimate tacky 80's action movie. It has just a perfect balance of tacky 80's acting (with "Jessie" from "Full House," Gene Simmons from KISS, and Vanity--what ever happened to her?), tacky 80's action, tacky 80's music, and tacky 80's production design. The plot is the most convoluted mess I've ever seen. That is to say that there really is a plot, but you find yourself smacking your forehead repeatedly in disbelief as the writers juggle tacky 80's clichés, predictable plot turns, and convenient situations that no one would ever buy. And sometimes, it just doesn't make any sense at all. But when all is said and done, the final product is a movie that is just delightfully crappy. My suggestion: rent this movie with some friends and some booze, and have a rollicking good time bashing this movie. I give it a 0 for its poor quality and a 10 for its "entertainment" value. Total score: 5