I love this movie so much

the audience applauded

Let's be realistic.

In truth, there is barely enough story here to make a film.

Plot; Two young men visiting a swanky, high end luxury resort get caught up in a plot to steal a valuable diamond.Besides DNA (allegedly), my father and I only share two things in common; 1.) A love of building model cars and airplanes, and 2.) An appreciation for the teen sex comedy. The latter began when he took me to see 'Porky's'... when I was 7. Did I mention my grandfather was a minister? Anyway, between the rise of home video and premium cable, he and I watched just about every film the genre had to offer during the 80s.Somewhere in that time I'm reasonably sure that I watched 'Private Resort'. In fact, I don't think it's one I shared with my dad, but my step-sisters, who were crushing on Johnny Depp (more on him in a sec). But I remembered next to nothing going into this re-watch (thanks to a bargain find at Wal-Mart, of all places, in a 6-movie "beach pack"). There's almost no set up of our two "heroes". They arrive with no backstory and no real stated purpose. We don't learn where they're from or how they got the money to go to this swanky resort. Nothing. Not that any of that is really important, but it took me a few minutes to get back into b-movie mode.I mentioned Johnny Depp, but he's not the only recognizable face here. Typically in these sorts of movies the cast is populated by "actors" with very brief resumes on IMDb, usually stalling out around the start of the Clinton administration. Not so here. Along with Depp there's Robb Morrow (as the other guy in the duo), Hector Elizondo as the villain, Leslie Easterbrook (The 'Police Academy' films) as his wife, Andrew Clay (no Dice here) as a resort guest, and actress Dody Goodman as the target of Elizondo's diamond scheme. Depp and Morrow are fine. Perhaps a tad better than your average schlep in these kinds of films. But it's the supporting cast that really shine here. Elizondo and Goodman are great, bringing so much more to their characters than was there on the page, and a whole host of anonymous actors do fun work with their bit parts.This isn't a film for everyone, but if you like the genre, I think you'll enjoy your 82 minute stay at 'Private Resort'.

All the slapstick had me rolling as did the deadpan acting. Pure cheese with a lot of eye candy for guys and gals (including Depp's naked rear... which did nothing for me, but ladies probably will enjoy). Depp had more of a supporting role in this. The scenarios were funny and moved well from one to the next, but they probably only did one take for everything because each scene was contrived and poor in execution. The dialog is horrendously bad, poorly written. This movie literally had me laughing much more often than most recent films. The wannabe Sean Penn was annoying as was the grandmother. To me, the Barber and Reeves are the funniest characters; their brawl in the elevator was so absurd... God, I think this needs to be out there, this movie should be watched, which is why I am wasting these two last lines simply to comprise the required ten. Hope it helps. If not, screw you. Haha.

Obviously this isn't a movie to be taken seriously and it may even be arguably offensive to women but I would take 'Private Resort' any day over the supposed 'comedy' flicks that feature the likes of Adam Sandler and Seth Rogan. There isn't much in terms of story. It's pretty much about two young men in their early twenties who go to a private resort to get laid. Meanwhile a jewel thief looks to steal a diamond necklace from a martial arts expert grandmother. It's definitely very silly but highly amusing. There's plenty of slapstick and overall cheesiness but the humour works and it has the right energy. Johnny Depp and Rob Morrow's on-screen camaraderie is a delight to watch as they provide the funniest scenes. Both actors have come a long way since and it was fun to see them as their young selves playing horny kids. Hector Elizondo is funny too. There's plenty of nudity to keep the viewer further entertained. It also depicts the 80's fashion (with big puffy hair and funny clothes). Overall, it's a fun little flick that has some nostalgic value.

So you see, there's this movie. And if you watch it, you'll absolutely give up any and all hope for the future of humanity. The whole thing is a moronic titfest with very little tits and even littler of a fest. The attempts at romance and a plot are subpar, and the acting leaves so much to be desired that the phrase "much to be desired" doesn't do it justice.The plot is abysmal, centering around two young men and wackiness at a resort over the weekend. The Maestro wants to steal a diamond, and he is just a very bad thief. Add in a bunch of two dimensional women, and you have a romp that borrows heavily from _Catalina Caper_ and _Porky's_.If you like Johnny Depp or that guy from "Northern Exposure," don't see this movie. If you like Hector Elizondo, stay as far away from this movie as possible. If you like Andrew Dice Clay... then this movie can't really be too much worse for you.I really have to emphasize this just one more time, so please please trust me: DON'T.