Touches You

Such a frustrating disappointment

I didn’t really have many expectations going into the movie (good or bad), but I actually really enjoyed it. I really liked the characters and the banter between them.

It’s sentimental, ridiculously long and only occasionally funny

Boy, one hardly knows where to start with this choice chunk of 80's action trash. For starters, we have the one and only Gary Busey in gloriously gonzo form as Frank "Bulletproof" McBain, a sardonic and seemingly indestructible L.A. cop and ex-CIA agent fond of using the word "butt-horn" who keeps every last bullet he's been shot with in a jar. Then there's veteran villain Henry Silva sliming it up with customary reptilian gusto as the ruthless Col. Kartiff. The lovely Darlanne Fluegel supplies plenty of spunk and sass as McBain's feisty former squeeze Capt. Devon Shepard. The ineptly staged action set pieces include a car chase involving an ice cream truck and a grenade being used in the single most ludicrous escape sequence in the annals of 80's schlock cinema. McBain hits one man in the groin with an ashtray. Naturally, we've got cheesy flashbacks and even cheesier one-liners ("Bird season's over, butt-horn!"). Lots of stuff gets blown up real good. The luscious Lydie Denier displays some delectable bare skin. The stellar cast of familiar faces rates as the yummy cherry on an already tasty craptastic cake: L.Q. Jones, R.G. Armstrong, Thalmus Rasulala, Mills Watson, Big Bill Smith (grumbling in Russian), Luke Askew, Rene Enriquez, Lincoln Kilpatrick, Juan Fernandez, and even Danny Trejo in a small role. A total tacky hoot.

Well, the one thing this movie got right was this: if you're going to have annoying characters, you should cast annoying actors. In fact, if casting annoying actors in the roles of annoying characters was a science, this film perfected it. Sure, it's happened in other films, but this one sets the standard to a record breaking low. Gary Busey as an action hero? Seriously? I don't think he'd even be believable as an extra walking down the street in the background. Yet they give him the lead role. And Henry Silva as the mean Colonel helps kicks it down another notch, putting the believability somewhere below a Sid and Marty Krofft "made for TV" variety show.Just watching 60 seconds of Busey trying to act is unbearable. Even worse, Busey trying to actually pull off the role as an indestructible action hero… that plays the saxophone? Then throw in Henry Silva? Were they trying to induce vomiting?As unbelievable as it is, the storyline is even worse than the acting and casting. It's as if somebody was rummaging through the dumpster behind the set of The Six Million Dollar Man and found a script that the producer rejected, wiped his butt with and threw in the trash.

"Improbable Odds. Unstoppable Force." I know it might seem hard to believe, but there once was a time when Gary Busey had a boyish charm and could have been an action star and wasn't known as a crazy guy and late-night comedian punchline. To witness this prime Busey, simply check out "Bulletproof" (not to be confused with the 1996 film where Adam Sandler shoots people).Busey plays Frank "Bulletproof" McBain, a rogue, but lovable cop on the edge. He's teamed up with the original Blacula himself, Thalmus Rasulala. One of McBain's talents is he is able to withstand being shot, and he saves all the bullets he's been shot with in a jar in his bathroom. Meanwhile, somewhere in Mexico, a terrorist network of "Mexicans, Nicaraguans and A-rabs" are all working in collusion to take over the world using a supertank called the NBT-90 Thunderblast.The evil Colonel Kartiff (Silva) and General Brogado (Rene Enriquez) are heading up the operation, so Special Ops Military Adviser Sgt. O'Rourke (Jones) and army officer Devon Shepard (Darlanne Fluegel) go south of the border to investigate. They, along with some of their army buddies and a group of priests and nuns are kidnapped and held hostage by the evildoers. Only one man can save his compatriots (and Devon, his long-lost love)...MCBAIN of course! And did we mention there are also evil Russians McBain has to stop? In the 80's, you couldn't be the hero in an action movie and not be wisecracking. Most of Busey's lines are snappy one-liners, such as "what's this Tonka toy?", "I'm a one-man suicide squad!", and he even pioneered his own insult - the immortal "Butthorn". He inexplicably says this word THREE times during the movie. I guess it didn't catch on.There are some sensitive flashbacks, and Devon even says to him "you may be bulletproof but you're not love proof". The movie on the whole is fun, upbeat and there is plenty of humor. Henry Silva plays an Islamic extremist, and the enemies are "communist-inspired terrorists". I guess it was pretty ahead of its time.Surely this was one of the only times Fred Olen Ray (who wrote the story) got a movie released by a major studio. What would the world be like today if all his movies were? A movie highlight is when Busey is tied to a big circular thing that looks like a huge cheese wheel. Watch out for this scene. So if you want to see a movie where Gary Busey is a lovable supercop and ladies man, and before he was crazy (well, really crazy) in a movie with plenty of heart, sax solos and blow-ups, and a mixed bag of world villains, this is the movie for you.For more insanity, please visit: comeuppancereviews.com

What happens when an army of wetbacks, towelheads, and Godless Eastern European commies gather their forces south of the border? Gary Busey kicks their butts, of course. Another laughable example of Reagan-era cultural fallout, Bulletproof wastes a decent supporting cast headed by L Q Jones and Thalmus Rasulala.