So much average

Simply A Masterpiece

Great movie! If you want to be entertained and have a few good laughs, see this movie. The music is also very good,

The movie's neither hopeful in contrived ways, nor hopeless in different contrived ways. Somehow it manages to be wonderful

"Don't Go Near the Park" is one of the most bizarrely incompetent movies I have ever seen. I've watched it twice now, and still don't really know what it's about. There's something in there about cavemen being cursed to never die but continue to age. The only way the cavemen can stave off this awesome decrepitude is to eat the guts of children. They also hang out in a park, I think, which sort-of-explains the title. (?)Other than that I can't really make head nor tail of this movie. There are a few scenes where people's guts are ripped open, however unconvincingly. Why do they just do it with their hands? Wouldn't it take incredible strength to rip through the stomach muscles to access the gut?There is an attempted rape scene where a girl has her shirt ripped open and then makes a van crash.Also Linnea Quigley shows up in one of her earliest roles. She shows her breast.There's also a curly-haired kid, whose presence in the movie I didn't understand, and a guy named Cowboy.Can anything be made of all this?I'm not the asinine type of film viewer who needs everything to make sense. Some of my favourite movies make no sense and I love them for it. But "Don't Go Near the Park" has another fatal flaw: it's boring.

This is one of those films you couldn't pay me to watch, and don't get me wrong I'm an avid horror fan. But this movie made absolutely no sense whatsoever. The plot basically is about a brother and sister who had a curse put on them centuries ago that let them live forever, but to appear young they have to eat the internal organs of people they find. In the 20th century the wooded park they live in is becoming more public and less secluded, so they try to put off killing and have a child for the sole purpose of sacrificing her to remain young. The child grows up and runs away from home, meeting a little boy who was abandoned by his mom and a college-aged young man. The three of them band together as outsiders and eventually try to stop the cannibalistic serial killer couple from killing again. Well, you can say one thing for it, it sure is disgusting at some parts. If you're one of those fans of the "hospital horror" genre where in films people remove the organs of other people, this film is full of that. The characters were just plain bizarre, and don't get me started on the ending. The cannibal shooting laser beams from her eyes... confusing. I really wouldn't watch this movie if I were you.

Another one from the video nasties list. Again brutally cut but was that necessary? This is a strange movie, it's about longevity and how to get it. 12000 years ago a brother and his sister were condemned to perpetual dying but never death. a young virgin must be sacrificed to get salvation. So suddenly we are in present days with that brother killing people to eat there entrails, cannibalism in other words. But it's all shown in the worst effects you can get, especially the face turning older or younger, it's stop motion done. but it works in some way. The mother is played by Linnea Quigley, here in her 5th movie. She gives a good performance. Then the movie turns out that the child of Linnea is the chosen virgin she get's an amulet from her father coming from 12000 years ago, she runs from home getting in the park. But it's all so cheaply done, the score doesn't work, the editing is weird. And the child is played by Tamara Taylor, she only played in 5 movies this her first and nothing is know about her age. So they had to cut the love scene's and rape scene's she had to make. Even the scene's with Linnea and her brother were cut, in the cut version you see her undress, when she is almost on naked they cut to another scene, the full uncut shows her full frontal naked. The version I have (anchor bay) it's all left in, and don't worry, you are missing nothing, it's strange that this one has been cut, the zombies at the end are laughable too. A weird movie and hard to find uncut.

What to think? What to say? It's one of those. I couldn't keep my eyes off it, as there's something alluring about this ultra-disjointed and rough-around-the-edges schlock fest. It feels much older than it actually is. Maybe it's that elevator music that is the score? I don't care too much about it's bad rep, as you can't knock that it doesn't have it own sense of imagination (quite flip-out, boundless and senseless story-telling), however the execution is technically poor. Everything moves fast (too fast), as the story gets cluttered (as the time-line over the first half is rushed) with mangled and twisted ideas. It's a hard one to fathom. The exploitative script is interesting… to say the least. Some of the lines are amusingly laughable ("I'm sick of people trying to molest me" is said to a perverted young boy) and cracks out some very unlikely occurrences. All of this makes it quite an unpredictable smörgåsbord. Where else can you see two ancient cult siblings (a leaden Barbara Monker and… Crackers Phinn?) ripping open the stomachs of young kids and feeding on them to prevent premature ageing from a curse their mother bestowed on them for their cannibalism habits? Oh, that's an appetite. It's explicit, but primitive and clumsily staged. The FX effects for such a bare-bones production shouldn't really surprise how tatty they come across. The lumpy direction is unfocused and pacing can get sluggish. Towards the latter end there's an odd, abstract dream sequence that the female protagonist has that I liked how they presented it. The climax is spontaneously jaded and outlandishly baffling (with the best use of random laser eyes since 'The Dark (1979)"). Tacked on is a prolonged, surprise shock ending. Aldo Ray and Linda Quigley (two very watchable performers) also show up in minor parts. In the lead is an honest and more than capable Tamara Taylor.