good back-story, and good acting

A lot of fun.

Entertaining from beginning to end, it maintains the spirit of the franchise while establishing it's own seal with a fun cast

It's funny, it's tense, it features two great performances from two actors and the director expertly creates a web of odd tension where you actually don't know what is happening for the majority of the run time.

Michael Gold, mercenary on behalf of the CIA, gets the assignment to arrest a scientist by the name of Prof. Braun, because Braun is going to develop a laser weapon with unimaginable destructive potential. The KGB is also interested in Brauns invention, so a wild chase after the professor is set in motion. "Laser Mission" uses plot and action elements reminiscent of the stereotypical Euro-Spy films of the 60s, in which dashing Bond imitators are rushing after some technical gadgets or secret formulas to prevent the "other side" from getting their hands on it. The only problem is that "Laser Mission", unfortunately, is a lot more boring than most of the colorful but somewhat naïve spy adventures from the heyday of European epigonic cinema. The absurd plot of the film, "refurbished" with some goofy humor, the inept actors and the clumsy amateurish action sequences become more and more annoying. The almost permanently used, unbearable song "Mercenary Man" by soft-rocker David Knopfler does not help the film either. Maybe there was not enough money to pay him for a complete score. The only bright spot in the whole dreary mumbo-jumbo is the late great German actor Werner Pochath, who plays his small part as villain "Eckhardt" with his usual intensity. Brandon Lee is running around all the time in a white undershirt and thus he is sitting in a briefing at the embassy of the USA, surrounded by blasé bureaucrats in business suits. An absurd sight.Laser Mission is an abstruse, uninvolvingly staged movie with no redeeming value. So bad that it is no longer good. In Germany the film was released in an uncut (84"45 Minutes/PAL) FSK 18 version and also sold in a cut to 79 minutes FSK 16 version.

Look at the above picture: Ernest Borgnine is IN the diamond. End of plot synopsis.This laughably and lovably inept movie is just out and out silly - so take that as a solid recommendation. One of our readers, Gap, suggested we review this movie, and we always try to listen to our followers. Brandon Lee is charming as the CIA agent/mercenary who is a master of disguise named Michael Gold. There is a 526-carat diamond at stake called the Verbeek (?) diamond which will enable whoever gets it to build a powerful laser to take over the world. Naturally many bad guys are after him as he tries to rescue Professor Braun (Borgnine) who has been kidnapped. His journey takes him from Cuba to the Namibian desert, with Braun's daughter Alissa (Monahan) in tow.There are inane action sequences involving shooting, blow-ups, guard tower falls, evil Germans, fruit cart chases and many other clichés, all done in what seems to be an unintentional cartoonish style. The "help the daughter find the kidnapped father" is a very American Ninja-style plot, and Ernest Borgnine's accent comes and goes. The unnamed song, which repeats many times throughout the film (plus all the nonsensical goofiness) reminded us of White Fire. The song is musically very reminiscent of "There's No Easy Way Out" and the singer sounds drunk. Apparently it was done by David Knopfler, and his husky, amazingly slurred singing makes Bob Dylan seem like someone with perfect diction.Laser Mission was done in the golden year of 1989. It was directed by BJ Davis, who has a long history in the stunt world. It has since fallen into the public domain and thus can be found in gas stations all over the world for about a dollar. If you see it, we strongly suggest you pick it up, as it is well worth that meager investment. Sure, the quality is blurry (even the SOUND is blurry) but it will provide entertainment and laughs. And isn't that what movies are all about? Laser Mission is a silly great time. We'd love to find more movies like this.for more insanity, please visit: comeuppancereviews.com

**SPOILERS** Even though the film "Laser Mission's" main storyline is supposed to be about this super secret laser weapon that can knock planes and ICBM missiles out of the sky the only laser we get to see in the film is a crude blueprint of it. What we do get to see a lot of is busty Debi Monahan's, as veterinarian and part time secret agent Aissa, very hefty cleavage that "lift's" the film's watch-ability a few notches-or bra sizes-higher that it normally would have been.Basically the movie has to do with this German scientist Prof. Braun, Earest Borgnine, who's knowledge of laser weapons is so extensive that the USSR, who within a year of the films releases would go completely kaput, wants to kidnap him and have the professor work on and vastly improve their secret laser weaponry. If successful this would give the "Evil Empire" the edge over the USA in a future world war that its in fact preparing for.With the CIA getting soldier of fortune, for a cool million bucks, Michael Gold, Brando Lee, to rescue Prof. Braun before the Commies get their hands on him Michael instead ends up getting captured, together with the professor, by them. That's when Michael went to see Prof. Braun in the Communist controlled African People's Republic of Kavango. Set to be executed-via guillotine-as a CIA spy the very next morning Michael makes his escape with the greatest of ease single-handily taking out almost the entire rag-tag Kavango military that was guarding him. Getting in touch with Prof. Braun's "daughter" Aissa at a local Kavango animal hospital the two join forces to save the professor who's now in the custody of Nazi-like German mercenary Eckhart, Werner Pochath. It's the creepy and head-collecting Eckhart who's working for Soviet-controlled Kavango government as a free-lance assassin.The movie start to fall apart almost as soon as it begins in not exactly knowing what its storyline is supposed to be all about. Michael & Aissa end up on the run, after finishing off whatever is still left of the Kavangen Army, in the desert region of Nimibia being chased by an assembly of assassins that includes a Ninja and overweight and over the hill racehorse jockey. It's later in the movie when the two rescue Prof. Braun that things really start to get out of hand with the Russian in charge of this whole rescue, in getting back the professor, mission Col. Kalishnakove, Graham Clarice, makes his presence known.***SPOILERS*** Despite Michael and Assia's attempt to put the what seems like indestructible Col. Kalishnakove away he alway seems to come back from the dead making you, as well as Michael & Aissa, wounder if in fact he's human at all! The film finally and mercifully ends in grand style with not only it being blown sky high and the bad guys getting it but in finding out just who exactly Prof. Brauns's daughter really is! As if by then, or any other time in the movie, anyone watching was really interested in who she was anyway!

Laser Mission in and of itself has everything required of a B-movie: bad acting, a plot of small significance, and that overall feeling that "this movie should have ended an hour ago." Perhaps the most hysterical part of the movie is its lack of a distinct location. The movie itself claims all the happenings are in Cuba. When Michael Gold arrives at the customs window he even cracks a joke, saying "Where can I get a good Cuban cigar?" However, later in the movie when Alyssa and Gold are driving the hippie van after their big chase scene, Gold speaks of driving to a border. Cuba... is an ISLAND. Islands don't border anything. Secondly, I don't recall Alyssa and Gold in a plane ever, so how would they get to Africa to drive into Namibia? Add to that all the KGB running around trying to thwart Gold, and the absurdly German-sounding Eckhardt, and you start to really get lost wondering where these people are and what they are doing there. Also, the sign that says "Murto ou vivo" in the hotel is Portuguese.As far as the acting, I love some parts, like the Cuban camp Gold parachutes into, with Manuel and Roberta. Their accents resemble that of people doing Spanish movies for their classes on YouTube. I also like them in the chase scene: Manuel- "Sergeant? You are no sergeant! You are a woman!" Roberta- "Loco! I have ALWAYS been a woman!" It also cracks me up when Alyssa is driving the hippie van in the chase scene and she is making faces and driving like she's driving a Maserati; one of those "My car and I ARE gorgeous" looks.Anyway, the video is definitely worth the 50 cents you pay for it... at least for me it was because it was a double-feature $1 DVD with another train-wreck... Abraxas.