Pretty Good

A brilliant film that helped define a genre

The performances transcend the film's tropes, grounding it in characters that feel more complete than this subgenre often produces.

By the time the dramatic fireworks start popping off, each one feels earned.

Its really quite amazing to see how campy the 90's could actually be. Its also mind-blowing to see just what movies actually got full cinematic releases back then. Case in point, 'Double Dragon', easily one of the most 90-iest 90's movies ever made.K so just in case anyone wasn't in the know, this movie is based on the hugely popular scrolling beat 'em up videogame 'Double Dragon' released in 1987. Double Dragon was basically the game that kick-started a wave of martial arts inspired fighting games throughout the 80's. Interestingly this videogame adaptation was made two years before the dumpster fire that was 'Street Fighter'. But both movies were released in late 94, 'Double Dragon' coming first in November. I'm guessing the studio knew they had a piece of crap on their hands and possibly thought to release it during the height of the beat 'em up craze with 'Street Fighter' (?).So what do we have here? Well its pretty much the standard 90's fantasy plot mixed in with lots of hokey oriental mysticism. Thousands of years ago in ancient China an army of shadow warriors lay siege to a city. In order to save his people the King sacrificed himself to create a powerful medallion. Said medallion gave its owner immeasurable powers over the body and soul. This power was so strong that the King (presumably before he died) split the medallion in two; one half giving power over the soul, the other the body. Naturally both halves have since been apart and hidden from each other. No clue who the shadow warriors are or were. No clue why they were attacking this Chinese city. No idea how the King made this medallion by sacrificing himself. Why would the medallion be so powerful? Was the King a wizard or something? Did the medallion save his city and people? Why am I asking these questions? Well I guess because it all seems kinda important to the plot and its a huge chunk of exposition.In the present (then) futuristic day of 2007 a nasty villain called Victor Guisman (inexplicably changing his name to Koga Shuko later on) is after the medallion so he can rule New Angeles (Los Angeles). He finds one half (on a bad set made to look like a Chinese village) but of course the other half is owned by the Lee brothers. The Lee brothers are of course based on the two main characters you can play in the videogame (Billy and Jimmy). Unfortunately they couldn't even get that right as they cast Scott Wolf and Mark Dacascos. Now whilst I agree Wolf has the boyish looks and Dacascos has the martial arts skills, they most definitely can't pass as brothers. Putting all things aside, you have to remember this movie is terrible. That's the only reasonable excuse. But they did get their individual red and blue outfits right, so there's that...I guess.Billy and Jimmy also have a guardian (adopted mother) that just happens to be an Asian lady with martial arts skills. Lucky that innit, image how crap things would have turned out if their adopted mother was a boring white woman who worked as a bank clerk. Satori Imada (Julia Nickson) is essentially the stereotypically wise mystical Asian character, thing is she isn't particularly mystical in this. As for the villain we have the glorious Robert Patrick hamming it up...gloriously. The character of Victor Guisman/Koga Shuko was created for this movie but added into the 1995 Neo Geo videogame. For some reason this character has hair like Vanilla Ice, an obviously dyed goatee, eyeliner, and dresses like an evil oriental sorcerer of some kind (the usual obligatory dress code). His sidekicks are Linda Lash (Kristina Wagner) who is based off the whip wielding female fighters in the videogame. And finally Huey (Jeff Imada) and Lewis (Al Leong) who are your bog standard Asian martial arts henchmen (but not based on any game characters). I believe the duos names are a nod to the actual Huey Lewis for some reason. At one point Shuko asks 'Huey, Lewis, any news?'. A reference to Huey Lewis and the News.Lets not forget Bo Abobo (Nils Allen Stewart) who is also another videogame character. This villain in the game was a huge roided up meatbag, obviously this being pre-The Rock there weren't that many guys as big back then. But Stewart is initially a good similarity. Alas they fudge this character right up by mutating him into some ginormous hemorrhoid. He then proceeds to do literally nothing for the rest of the movie. So being a movie set in the future, and made in the 90's, there's only one direction this could possibly go. Yes that's right, its a dystopian, post apocalyptic, flooded hellhole that's overrun with various punk gangs and skateboarding vigilante groups. A massive earthquake destroyed half of California yadda yadda yadda. Its remarkable how cities seem to crumble into wastelands filled with gangs when natural disasters happen. Why did half of the youth decide to join scummy street gangs after the quake? How would that make your life any better? And where do they get all their gear from?? Is there a big leather, spikes and chains store in the area? The most utterly bizarre thing about these gangs is the fact some of them dress in postal uniforms, mime makeup, clown outfits, and posh grammar school-esque uniforms.Then you have the Power Corps vigilante gang that...well I'm not sure what they actually do but they're all kids. Do they fight back against the baddie street gangs? Do they fight back against the police and their curfew? Not really sure but what I do know is their attire is totally tubular dude...not! Seriously this gang is the most 90's thing about this entire movie, its unbelievably cringeworthy. A large gang of kids of various ages in a large secret base filled with arcades, skateboard ramps, electronic equipment, some weird green water...hell its just an adventure playground covered in graffiti. And their leader is Marian (Alyssa Milano) from the videogame, only this time she's a badass with cropped bleached blonde hair and dressed in rainbow coloured clothes. Seriously I think the director forgot this was a kids flick at certain points. Like the shot of Milano's ass in tight cut-off jeans whilst she's on all fours crawling into a vent.So as you might expect there are tonnes (and I mean tonnes) of fast, not so witty, quips and mugging into the camera by virtually all involved. All the action centres around vapid childish martial arts sequences that just looked bad even back in 1994. You can see no contact is being made, the sound effects are way too much, everybody is over acting when getting struck etc...Its legitimately embarrassing to watch at times. Other actions sequences focus on vehicles which are just as bad because its all very slow and basic. It makes no sense why the vehicles are the way they are (seemingly no petrol but running on anything you can stick into furnace-like tank). And how would a common street gang get a hold of a massive Humvee-like 4x4? Oh and they stuck metal teeth on the front grill, because that's hella intimidating right...right??The speed boat chase sequence is the epitome of how naff this really is. Billy and Jimmy find a speed boat and escape on the river. The bad guys just happen to be all suited up in all black wetsuits with a couple jet-skis ready and waiting to take pursuit. I think the only positive thing I can say about the movie (and this sequence) are the nice looking matte paintings dotted throughout. These images of a ruined LA alongside live action shots do genuinely look quite good. I quite liked the idea of these large metal struts that hold buildings in place, because of aftershocks. And the special effects on Shuko in his shadow form (when activating his half of the medallion) were very effective. The creeping living shadow on the ground was a nicely realised idea.I think the question here is, should we have expected more from this kids movie? Well at the time videogame adaptations were just starting to flood the market so to speak. 'Street Fighter', 'Mortal Kombat', 'Resident Evil', 'Tomb Raider' were all to come, looming on the horizon. Sure we had already suffered 'Super Mario Bros.' but that was merely seen as a one off mistake, a blip on the upcoming genre. So yes I think its fair to say we were expecting more at the time and looking back they should have done much better. Clearly this should have been an adult movie, I think an over the top violent adult flick could have gotten away with more here. As it stands a dopey kids movie was always gonna be tough because you're simply restricting yourself so much.The plot is weak as hell, cookie cutter stuff. The characters are basic bland stereotypes. There is absolutely no risk involved in anything (no one dies). WAY too many kid actors, also the background extras are hilarious to watch. Just focus on the odd one in crowd scenes and watch them 'act'. The costumes are a literal joke. The weapons all look plastic. The pop culture dates the movie terribly (George Hamilton as a newcaster, digs at Madonna etc...). Dreadful looking early CGI sequences are dreadfully ghastly. Oh and the actual arcade cabinet of Double Dragon is clearly seen in the movie...ugh!!! In short this movie is a pantomime of crap. Its not 'so bad its good', its just bad.2.5/10

Since the Super Mario Bros. movie in 1993 video games have been met with fiercely negative reviews from critics who savage almost every single one of them based purely on their origins. I understand now that we live in an age where video games are movies in their own right, if not even more poetic and innovative than most movies themselves, but in 1994 they were not considered to have any literary or theatrical merit, and even to this day (with a second attempt at a Hit-man movie only just being released as I type this review) they still cannot seem crack the code on how to make a coherent and worthy adaptation.Double Dragon is not the exception, it's the rule. The classic arcade game featured two dudes, Billy and Jimmy Lee, who walk to the right in an apocalyptic cityscape and beat-up thugs who have kidnapped their (apparently shared) girlfriend Marian. She obviously enjoys double (CENSORED). This could not and was not going to make a good movie.With a writing team consisting of Paul Dini and Peter Gould any additions or expansions on this thin premise was welcome and the resulting movie is a live-action cartoon with way too many ideas for its budget or its director's abilities.Double Dragon is an ex-treme-ly 90s flick. Martial arts movies for the kids became a big thing (or at least attempted to) in the early 90s after the success of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Drivel like Surf Ninjas and 3 Ninjas never managed to capture the edge that made the 1990 TMNT so good. Double Dragon almost gets there, but chooses goofy humor instead of darkness and pathos.The year is 2007. Instead of suffering a dismal summer of an awful Die Hard sequel and a Simpsons movie with no laughs in it the people of New Angeles long for clean air and safety in the streets. The old city has been destroyed by an earthquake (another popular 90s trope) and gang roam at night while smog smothers during the day.Scott Wolf and Mark Dacascos play "twin" brothers Jimmy and Billy. They look nothing like each other. Tom Cruise could play Scott Wolf's twin easily, but the budget couldn't stretch to Cruise. They are also supposed to be 17-years-old despite being 25 and 29 at the time of filming. They are orphans looked after by Satori (Julia Nickson) who holds one half of a sacred amulet (yes, it's one of THOSE kind of plots) which can grant super powers to anyone with both halves.A clean air industrialist (Robert Patrick) wants the amulet so he can take control of New Angeles, despite running a pretty tight monopoly already. And so the streets are raging as a final fight with a vendetta is unleashed upon the thugs of New Angeles. An overweight and blond Alyssa Milano plays a more dynamic version of Marian, wearing short shorts that barely cover her vagina. Robert Patrick manages to avoid embarrassment by being surprisingly game about the whole thing too.By all rights the movie is terrible, but there's an infectious vibe to the eccentric production design and cinematography, and some of the matte paintings and establishing shots are quite impressive. James Yukich (his name creates an appropriate onomatopoeia) has no real vision of his own and lets the chaos take whatever shape it naturally wants to be. You either go along with the low-brow cheese that it is or you'll hate it. Personally I was never once bored by it nor did I really dislike it. The crudity of its assembly (half of the dialogue is ADR) and the tacky synth score helped turn it into a surreal, almost auteur experience. But why on Earth Yukich figured that "Altogether Now" by Scouse band The Farm made for a fitting end credits song is beyond me. It doesn't match the film at all!Since the day of its release and the resulting internet notoriety over the years I have always been curious about the big screen bomb of Double Dragon, but honestly it's not that bad.

Yes, during the 1990's is when the whole let's make video games into movies phase begun. I do believe "Super Mario Brothers" was the first, while "Mortal Kombat" was probably the most successful of the 90's. "Tomb Raider" and "Resident Evil" would have rather good success in the 2000's. This one is not a success, I mean Mario was not a huge success either, but it did manage to have a lot of hype to it and was a known movie, while this one kind of flew under the radar. However, this is not surprising, this one has the look of a movie that was direct to video with the only known actor being Robert Patrick and the only thing he was really noted for at the time was being the bad terminator in the film "Terminator II: Judgement Day". This film manages to take a rather simple plot of two brothers fighting through a bunch of gang members to rescue the girlfriend of one of them to some strange mystic medallion that really overly complicates things and makes for a rather bad movie that is almost unwatchable except for the occasional chuckle as you realize people wasted their time making this stinker. Seems they often make movies out of the video games that have virtually no plot during this time as Mario and Mortal Kombat also had very little substance to them. Yet games that do have some substance such as say "Legend of Zelda" and "Metroid" do not have a movie. Granted you would have to change some things here and there to make them movies and not just a live action video game, but there are good stories in them that I think would translate well to a film.

My first acquaintance with the Double Dragon feature film was through a collection of video captures hosted on the X-Entertainment web site. Even they could not prepare me for the purely abysmal experience that the film proper represents. Like so many video game films after it, Double Dragon takes a perfectly good idea for a video game and turns it into an abysmal feature film. The film itself has a few things in common with the video game: the title and a few character names. The game featured one or two players moving a character from the left of the screen to the right, punching and kicking seven bells out of anyone who dared to get in their way. Unfortunately, Greenleaf Productions and director James Yukich thought that by aiming the film at children too young to remember any of the video games, they might make some money. Fortunately, the adults who were old enough to have played the classic video games ignored the film as it deserved. We certainly would not want the powers that be in Hollywood getting the idea that we actually like this kind of crap, after all.The first problem lies in the screen writing. What made the video games so compelling was that they made as little effort as possible to differentiate its setting from the reality of the player. The story, such as it was, was secondary to people beating each other senseless. In the feature film, the writers attempt to give the story of Double Dragon a background, a motivation, or a reality. They manage to get all three, that much is true, but they all come out the same way: incredibly silly. Making matters worse is some incredibly stupid costume design. I do not know who designed Alyssa Milano's attire for this flick, but I am just betting they spent much of the time when they first saw what they had made laughing at poor Alyssa. Whomever designed the makeup effects for the Abobo character should have been arrested for crimes against the viewer. I do not know exactly what they were trying to achieve with all the lumpage on his body, but whatever it is, they failed. Perhaps his best scene is when Milano is force-feeding him spinach in one of the weirdest interrogations on film.Also looking to fire their agent is Robert Patrick, who was at the time struggling to capitalise on his burst of fame after Terminator 2. Perhaps his agent told him that films based upon video games were going to be the new big thing. What the agent forgot to mention was that while they were a new big thing, they were a new big thing in unintentional comedy. Preceded by one year with Super Mario Bros., Double Dragon set a new low in cinematic history that it took another five years to worsen in the form of Wing Commander. I have no doubt in my mind at all that when Patrick looks back at this film, he thinks to himself "this is the moment I took what was still a salvageable career, and flushed it down the can". His performance is utterly terrible here, so I am inclined to blame the level of pathetic that Double Dragon reaches upon the director. After all, he has shown already that he is more than capable of turning in a good performance with halfway decent direction. Not that a good performance from either would have saved this cinematic abortion.Another problem for a film based upon a beat-em-up video game is that the fight scenes are terribly executed. The camera rarely sits still long enough to make out what is going on, the choreography is utterly terrible, and the actors chosen for the parts clearly have no idea what they are doing. Was it really that difficult to get some people who really know their martial arts for the task? Hell, let's farm the rights out to Golden Harvest, they at least know how to choreograph a halfway decent fight scene. Especially poor are the scenes with Abobo, where none of the superhuman strength the film goes to great pains to tell us he has is actually utilised. Much like Michael Beck in Xanadu, he is really there as window dressing. Part of the problem here is that the canonical character Abobo is meant to appear superhuman in size, and the film just goes too far in trying to maintain that illusion. It would be better to have left the character out of the story altogether than present us with the tumour-encrusted visage we get here.Even as an unintentional comedy, Double Dragon is a failure. Sure, there are moments when the viewer is either going to laugh or cry, the moment when Marian force-feeds Abobo spinach being a prime candidate. However, these moments are too infrequent, and the film takes itself far too seriously otherwise, for this to be anything other than a mean-spirited laugh at the principal actors. Half of the dialogue sounds like it was ADRed by prepubescent children, and none of the actors save Robert Patrick look like they could punch their way out of a bag of potato chips. I can still remember when the advertising corps. made a big deal about this being a film based on a video game, back in the days before films based on video games had a reputation for being universally terrible. And I still wonder what the hell Alyssa Milano's costume designer was smoking. In at least half of the shots she is in, she looks like she is contemplating force-feeding spinach to her agent until he vomits up a lung.For these reasons, I gave Double Dragon a one out of ten. Between watching this film again and being given a spinach enema, I would choose the spinach. You must be wicked hardcore if you can sit through this.